I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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