Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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