The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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