I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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