Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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