i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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