I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
