dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
