you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
