just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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