dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
