Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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