New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
