We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
