My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
