I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
