you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I need moral support for this bender
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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