I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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