a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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