got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
