so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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