Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
