I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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