I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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