Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
