Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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