let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
this boner is exhausting
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Semen is not good for contacts.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
