Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
