please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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