wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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