fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
