The maid of honor just puked.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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