Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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