I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
