Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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