i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
