why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
