Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
