Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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