When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
