how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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