there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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