Walk of Shame. In a state park.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
