What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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