Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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