The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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