I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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