he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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