My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
