I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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